The Woes of Wormtail
by GhostOfBambi
Summary: Philosopher, Secret Romantic, Idealist, Rodent. A a parody fic based on the fictional diary of Peter Pettigrew.


**Author's Note: Slowly overcoming my writer's block. I think I might have Craptastic updated by the end of the weekend. This is a bit of ridiculousness that I wrote a long while ago. Expect sporadic updates.**

**The Woes of Wormtail**

**Wednesday, April 7th**

2:42pm: Joy! Success! James _actually_ laughed at a joke I cracked! Think I came in my pants a little in my delight. Don't think anybody noticed, hurray!

2:44pm: James actually laughing at Amos Diggory falling over behind me.

2:45pm: Going off to have a cry now.

7:05pm: I think my fly has been open since breakfast. I asked Sirius if he had noticed but he said that unlike me, he's not in the habit of staring at other people's crotches, and called me a shirt-lifting poofter. Now I am worried. Has he been reading this?

9:00pm: Had a jolly half hour with James until The Redheaded Homewrecker came over and indicated that she wanted to talk to Prongs. Prongs then indicated that I should leave. Remus and Sirius nowhere to be found. Redheaded Homewrecker pointed out that my fly was open. Going to bed now.

3:16am: WHERE ARE MY PANTS GONE?

**Thursday, April 8****th**

7:24am: Couldn't sleep all night, too afraid that I'd wake up missing another article of clothing. I don't understand, I went to bed with my pants on and now they're gone!

7:27am: Why would someone steal my pants? WHY?

7:28am: I just _had_ to be wearing the ones with skid marks, too.

8:40am: Woke Remus and told him about my stolen boxers. He says he knows nothing about them and told me to ask James or Sirius. When I find out which one of them did it, I will put stinksap in their tea. That'll show them.

8.42am: Well, maybe not James.

9:23am: James and Sirius claim to know nothing of my stolen pants. Sirius suggested that maybe I went to bed naked and don't remember, which is stupid. Why would I go to bed naked?

1:29pm: Oh God, maybe I went to bed naked!

1:34pm: Oh God, I went to bed naked! I must have, why else would I wake up with no pants? But why? Why did I do that? And don't remember?

1:37pm: What if I'm going mad? They'll send me to Mungo's!

2:37pm: Redheaded Homewrecker was watching me strangely at lunch. Maybe I was naked in front of her too and I don't remember because I blocked it all out of my mind like that man who lives next door to aunty Susie and went in a Muggle van with a white coat on. Maybe I'll start writing on the walls with my poo. You never know what kinds of things crazy people get up to.

2:45pm: I hope they don't put me in a white coat. Mum says I can't keep anything clean.

6:34pm: Found my pants, they were hanging from a torch bracket in the Great Hall at dinner. James says his cat must have done it. Stupid cat!  
><strong><br>**7:46pm: Everyone in the common room laughing at me. I'm going to the dorm.

7.52pm: Found Remus and Sirius up in the dorm on Remus' bed, rustling around underneath the duvet. Sirius said they were playing at camping. At sixteen! How immature of them, playing such childish games!

7:53pm: They _could_ have asked me to play.

**Friday, April 9****th**

2:54pm: James tosses notes at Redheaded Homewrecker during Transfiguration. Redheaded Homewrecker ignores them. James looks disheartened. Redheaded Homewrecker is really mean.

2:59pm: I mean, is she _blind_? James is a prize! But then, she is friends with Snape, who bites his toenails for fun. Or so Sirius says, anyway. So maybe she is not the brightest button in the box.  
><strong><br>**3:03pm: She would be so lucky to be going out with James. Stupid, blind redhead.

3:05pm: I'm glad she isn't, though.

3:12pm: Not for any sick reason like, I fancy him or something. Ha! Haha! No! Haha! Hahaha!

3:13pm: Hah.

6:23pm: Oh ho! Haha! Funny thing just happened. Walked into the dorm to find Sirius with his hair caught in Remus' zipper! What a hoot!

6:26pm: Sirius just punched me for threatening to tell everyone about the hair in the zipper. He says it'd be embarrassing for Remus if people knew that Sirius had to teach him how to tie his shoelaces.

6:46pm: Imagine Remus not knowing how to tie his shoes, and he's been sixteen for a whole month! I've known how to do that for, like, three years!

7:02pm: It's funny because I always thought Remus knew how to tie his shoe already.

7:05pm: Nobody tells me anything around here.


End file.
